Since It's Been Forever...On Being Scared

So last semester I wrote a post on how differently my freshman year turned out from what I had expected. And I think I have only made one other post since then. Oops.
I also talked about the possibility of transferring. Well if you know me, you know it happened. And if you don't, guess what. I go to Clemson now.

Funny thing is, just a few days after I wrote that post- and signed my apartment lease and got my acceptance letter- I went from beyond excited to crying my eyes out every single day thinking "WHAT. DID. I. DO?!" No joke. I sat in Marion Square with my best friend and in cried my eyes out in public because I didn't want to go through with it. I remember what she said to me pretty clearly. I remember her telling me that she would be concerned if I wasn't scared, because this was a big deal. She told me she felt like tiny little CofC was holding me back and that she honestly believed a big school like Clemson was somewhere I would flourish. Over and over, though, she kept telling me that it was okay to be scared.
I remember sitting on the floor in my suitemate's room crying my eyes out again while she told me that everything I was feeling then was exactly what she was feeling at the end of her senior year in highschool.
I remember crying at lunch with my sister because I didn't want to leave her. I'm still not totally sure if she really thought it was a good idea for me to go or if she just wanted to shut me up. Either way, it worked.
I remember pacing back in forth in Anna's living room honestly believing it was something I couldn't go through with.
I  couldn't leave the school I had always dreamed of going to. I couldn't leave the city I had always dreamed of living in- let alone to move out into the boondocks of Clemson. I couldn't leave my family that lived in Charleston. I couldn't leave the security of having them 15 minutes away. I couldn't leave my sister. I couldn't do it. I honestly didn't think I could do it.

Two conversations made me think otherwise-
First, I'll start with my conversation with my favorite professor from CofC. He told me going to class and watching Netflix in my dorm if my sister was busy wasn't a life. He told me I needed to enjoy more than just a few hours of my day.  He told me he believed Clemson could take me further than CofC ever could.

Second, a conversation with a teacher from highschool that I knew could give me some invaluable advice. After about a week of phone tag, we finally got to talk. It was a long conversation so I don't remember all of it, but I remember some of the highlights. He, like Mary, told me that it was okay to be scared. He told me it was okay for it to hurt and for me to cry, because what I was leaving wasn't all bad- in fact, there was a lot of good. Then he said that he had been praying about our conversation and what kept coming to his mind was the story of Abraham. In short, he told me about how God called Abraham from his home to go to a place that he would show him. Abraham obeyed, and settled somewhere new. Before long though, God said, "Okay, now go just a little bit further." I really can't explain what a weight was lifted off my shoulders when he said that.
Finally, I felt like maybe I could do it.

So fast forward to now. October, in Clemson. And guess what- I can't believe I ever had so many doubts. I can't believe I cried so much. I can't believe I came close to giving up on what has become easily one of the best decisions I've ever made.

To sum up Clemson I'll use the words of Joe Sherman:

"There is something in these hills that brings together and binds together and holds together man and woman of all persuasions, of all heights, sizes, weights, and cultural backgrounds -  something that cuts across every difference, spans every gap, penetrates every wall - something that makes a man or a woman stand taller, feel better and say with pride to all within earshot, 'I went to Clemson.' There is something in these hills that you and I can't define and that others can't understand. A wave of warmth that surges through me when 'outsiders' say, 'I don't know what is is about you Clemson people, but your undying love for Clemson is admired by everyone I know'... Yes, there's something in these hills where the Blue Ridge yawns its greatness..."

Finally, to sum up my rambling I'll use the words of Charles Martin-

"'Remember, courage is being scared to death- and saddling up anyway. Being scared is okay. It's better than not being scared. If you're not scared, you're probably cocky and about to get in a whole mess of hurt. Trust me, scared is good."